A Real Man’s Guide to Love: Stop Looking for It.

There are too many men looking for the right lady while neglecting our own development. We think that happiness in life resides in a relationship between us, and Miss Right. It doesn’t. Finding the right woman is important. It can give our lives added meaning, motivation, and an even greater reason to wake up in the morning and hustle – but never think that your success, happiness, or meaning exists in the hands of another. Giving someone else that power – imagined or real – is writing a death sentence decades before you kick the bucket.

A Real Man’s Guide to LoveA Bronx Tale

One of my high school teachers told me something that has shaped the way I look at relationships. He said that, A good marriage isn’t two halves becoming whole; rather, it’s two complete individuals falling in love and joining one another in life.

Before he told me that I always figured I’d find someone who’d make me a complete person, and I them. That’s a dangerous way of looking at love, and an unhealthy one as well. Going in to a relationship, depending on someone else for 50% of your development emotional, spiritually, financially, and mentally, is a shit ton of pressure.

Pressure makes diamonds, or it busts pipes.

That is, if you’re the right people, you’re going to make it and grow in to complete individual’s together – right? Sometimes, yes. Look at all the high school sweethearts that get married. But they can be a different case. Being together so young they’re used to having their own identities outside of a relationship. When we get into a relationship and we’re a bit older, but still incomplete, our identity becomes the relationship.

We put our hopes, dreams, and our meaning of life into this one thing that often busts due to the pressure of two incomplete halves trying to become whole.

Looking for love whilst neglecting becoming a better man (or woman) is lunacy.

1. It puts a lot of pressure on a relationship and on your lady.

2. It leaves us incomplete, often under-developed as men for eternity.

Looking for love can also be a painful road, one that doesn’t, and shouldn’t be taken.

I’m all for taking the hard road, the one less traveled, the one with greater obstacles, trials, and tribulation. But looking for love, pinning all of your wants and hopes on one person is not only unhealthy, but it makes life’s road a shitty one. For one, the woman you’ve dreamt up to be your ideal, doesn’t exist. Thinking that the woman you meet is, will lead to far too many fights and confusion on your part.

It also leaves us waiting, wanting, and weak.

Chad HowseA Real Man Does His Thang

I’m a romantic. I like doing nice things for my lady – when I have one. I like going out of the way to please her, to do something different for her that’ll touch a chord and create a memory. So I can see where you’re coming from when you’re waiting for your dream girl, looking for her, and a tad down if you’ve yet to find her. Believe it or not, I’ve been there.

It’s utterly useless.

Men need a purpose outside of a relationship – a purpose that is even greater than their relationship. We need a mission. A mission that we can dedicate our lives to. Without this mission and purpose, we’re weak.

I don’t know what your mission is, but you need one. Focus on that, and that alone, and let a relationship happen organically. Don’t force it. And for shite’s sake, don’t be that guy following your lady around, holding her hand bag as she works the room. You’re a lapdog, not a boyfriend or a husband. If those words cut you deep, change. That’s no way to live.

We’re men. We’re warriors not cowards. We’re lions, untamed beasts, not kenneled felines calling to our ladies every beacon. Act as such.

You May Never Find Her. And It’s OK. 

Men can’t look for love, nor can a woman. Love, if it’s to happen, needs to happen on it’s own. That doesn’t mean you don’t ask a lady out. If you see a beautiful woman, have the balls to go up to her and ask her on a date – if she says no, who cares, worse things have happened, and has yet to happen.

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  • J.W.

    Even as a married man this article has really resonated with me. I appreciate your insight into love, and I wish this was a mindset I had before getting married, not that my marriage is bad, but I do see where I am a lapdog at times and rely on my wife for a sense of wholeness.

    • Thanks man, and at least you notice where you have room for growth. Most of us are walking blindly, even ignorantly, through life, our relationships, and fail to have that self awareness that you clearly have.

  • GMan

    Great statement and definitely one to live by: “Make big things happen. Develop into a true, strong, honorable, courageous man,
    and be worthy of a woman who is the same. Don’t waste your days
    searching, waiting, and worrying. Use your days to work, develop, and
    create”. A man can lose a lot of money, power, and self respect chasing women but a man rarely loses women chasing money, power, and self respect. Achieve the greatness that comes with true knowledge, love and respect for self and everything else will follow.

    • Well said! I could quote your final note there, love that.

  • Matt

    wow awesome article…i’ve been married 21 years and you hit the nail on the head bud….kudos

    • Coming from a guy who’s been married 21 years, I thank you for commenting, letting me know. Appreciate it.

  • Silas Flannery

    awesome post for valentine’s day!

  • Right on, Chad. I met the girl who would become my wife 22 years ago because of right place right time and the fact that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. That’s when they fall into your lap. I got tired of chasing after the women and let one come to me.

    • Well done man. I think it’s when we realize that, and maybe only when we realize that, that real shit happens.

  • Anthony

    Thanks for the post Chad, funny how this came out right at this time in my life. I feel like I’ve hit a plateau and this gave me the pick me up I needed. I’ve been so focused on finding the right girl or pleasing those around me I’ve neglected the most important person in my life; myself. And when I think about it; boy what a dumb move on my part but that’s what learning and experience are for. I just turned 25 and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m getting older and hit my mid twenties but I find myself not caring to go out and party until 2-3am the next morning and then having to work at 7am the same day like most of my friends.. Don’t get me wrong I do go out with my friends but hitting up a house party every weekend, dealing with drunk strangers just isn’t my thing anymore and it’s weird for me when in the past it wasn’t. I just don’t see the purpose in it when I’d rather be working out, doing a project for school or relaxing after a long day of work and preparing for the next day. It scares me feeling this way because it’s all new to me but I know I’m growing.

    • Hey man, in my own life, when I’ve had a defined mission or purpose, going out and partying seems to lose it’s luster. It takes a distant backseat to what I want to accomplish.

      That’s just where you’re at. Partying dies out. It does for anyone working towards something. I wouldn’t fear it, embrace it. If you hear it from your buddies, who cares, I hear it from mine. That doesn’t mean you don’t drink or have a good time, but you’re just focused, pal, it’s a good thing. Love the hustle and make something of yourself while others party themselves in to debt and meaninglessness.

      That said, have some balance and a drink every now and then. But you’ll know when it’s the right time, because you’ll actually want to.

  • moises

    Great post Chad! I totally agree with you! Your high school teacher is a wise guy! great words!

  • Ryan

    I dont believe in ”love” and can never trust a woman. But I have to say this is an amazing. honest article with brutal insight. Enough said….I’ve been a fan of this site for 2 yrs

  • Kerri

    I was just introduced to your site last week, and from what I’ve read so far I love it! In an age when women don’t need men to take care of them and female “power” is so often promoted, I think many men are struggling with what their place/purpose is. And from the articles on your site that I’ve read so far, you do a great job addressing what a man should be in 2013.

    From the female perspective, a man who has goals, confidence, and is giving is damn sexy. Also, you were dead on about the lapdog thing. I know many great guys who too easily fall into that. Women want a man who will support them AND challenge them.

    Thanks for the great work! It’s nice to know that there’s a place where I can direct young guys looking for a role model. Especially since you’re located in Vancouver 🙂

    • It’s awesome to get a female perspective on here, we clearly need more of it! Comment more often Kerri. You make so great points, and give awesome insights here, thanks.

  • Betty camacho

    Great article! I love the way you think!

  • Miglan

    Hey Chad,

    While I understand what you’re saying. How can you get a woman if you don’t go get one? I mean if all you do is focus on working out, your job, studies, business, and don’t actually seek out women, how will you get one? I mean they won’t come looking for you or ask you out or will they? Isn’t part of being a man going after what you want in life?

    While I understand the gist of what you’re saying that you shouldn’t be miserable and hold your happiness until you do, you should definitely be living your life and not waiting around until you find a woman

    I understand that disappointments in dating and spending too much time “chasing” women can throw you off balance, but just like you said anything worth having takes trials and tribulations, finding a good woman is no different.

    But can the life of a man be all that it can be if he does not have a good woman in his life?

    Shouldn’t he at least try?

    Great article by the way

    • Thanks man. Yes, try, but get yourself in the right spot first. Don’t just chase women and pin your happiness on them. A good relationships is two whole individuals, not two halves trying to make a whole.

      And you’ll always find that when you’re not looking is when the good ones come along.

  • Kyle

    Thank you Chad. I needed to read this.